Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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