I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Randomize
