If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I wish i was in the wii world.
i came on her dog
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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