At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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