I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize
