I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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