i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
