I heard we made out
i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize