Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Randomize
