I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
we're so committed to being not committed
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
