Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Randomize
