I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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