Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Less talking, more tequila
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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