I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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