This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
