so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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