he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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