he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
