this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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