ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
