Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
well I can't set my house on fire every night
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
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