I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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