He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Randomize
