Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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