I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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