Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Randomize
