I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
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