wat bout pragnant strippers??
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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