Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
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