I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
