I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
It was confusing and full of hummus
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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