dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
