I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Randomize
