Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
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