I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
