Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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