The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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