My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
