Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
where does the pee come out of this thing
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
