only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
