i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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