wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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