the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
why do cheetos always look like penises
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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