When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
