you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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