my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize