why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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