I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
