You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
