Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
