this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Randomize
