My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
