You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize