Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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