I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Alive.
So much puke
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
