I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
