checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize