before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
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