Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
