You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
