I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
