Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
