Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
