I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
