glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Randomize
