Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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