Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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