I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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