Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
i need some magic done to my vagina
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize