Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
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