I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
