I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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